As women, we know that once we become mommy, balancing life becomes ever more difficult.  The kids ALWAYS must come first, or this is what most good mother’s subscribe to.  Absorbing yourself in nothing but your kids, leaves little, if no time for your marriage and maintaining a good healthy relationship with your husband.

A recent discussion with a friend of mine, led me to write this submission, because we were speaking to her specifically about creating a date night for her and her husband.  My husband and I recently began doing this and we have found it to be extremely beneficial and as a mother of 5 children, we knew that she could probably use a break too.  Now, if they were little then her fear of leaving them might be more justified, but her children range from 16 to 7 and therefore, there is no reason that her and her hubby can’t escape for a night out once a week for a few hours without concern.

To our surprise, she was reluctant at the idea, perhaps not realizing the value that time alone together can bring to a marriage, especially in a family where children are in the forefront most of the time.  She made it sound as if they couldn’t survive a few hours per week without her.  I am not really sure why she feels this way.  We even tried to explain to her that they could probably use a break from her as well, but she just wouldn’t bite.

Now, this is a new perspective for me, but I would like to let you know the realization that I have personally come to.  The children come and go at will, spending an evening at this friends house and running off for all kinds of activities at the drop of a hat.  They are getting older, and as they go, they don’t give nary a thought to where my husband and I are.  That is the way it should be, so why should I not be allowed to spend time out with the man I love, their father, and my soulmate? Honestly, I should.  Not to mention the fact that these children, with any luck at all are going to move out and leave us to develop their own lives, and by doing this, the will leave us all alone together without any love or relationship left.   So it is with these thoughts in mind that I wish to reconnect with my husband and enjoy time alone with him.  It is honestly in the children’s best interest to love their father after all…Isn’t It??

That walk down the isle while the relationship is still exciting, still new.  It is a wonderful day usually filled with love and flowers and all the family and friends you can fill the room with.  It is a beautiful day and you are both head over heels in love.  It is a wonderful feeling.

Next the real world creeps in.  Money is tight, the friends and family are off living their own lives, or butting in to yours.  The pressure is mounting, your first child on the way.  How will you work and raise a child? Can you afford not to? How will you make ends meet? The panic is setting in and this person you we so in love with a few months ago, has turned from lover and friend into the enemy.  You still love him, but when you look at him and when he speaks to you, you just feel pressure.  Well, he feels it too.

Marriage problems are not one sided.  In a relationship, whether you acknowledge it or not, all the party’s are feeling the pain and pressure, and this is what can make the tough times so volatile.   The most important way to deal with your spouse is through communication and teamwork.  Most couples struggle with this especially in the beginning because they don’t want to let the other person in.  They don’t want to worry them, and sharing their feelings is just out of the question.

Men are notorious for being the one’s who won’t share, but although women tend to communicate with their husbands, they tend to do so in such a vague way that the men really just don’t get the message.  The bottom line is that if you want to make the most of your marriage and get through the tough times, then you need to really listen and understand each other, and their are some great books and online resources that can help you heal your own marriage.  You don’t need a licensed marriage counselor to solve your marriage problems for you, you just need a cooperative effort and some good communication skills to see you through.

One of the things we see day in and day out is people throwing in the towel on their marriage.  What begins as such a serious commitment to love, honor and cherish another human being quickly turns to war leaving casualties, usually the children, in the middle of the war zone with not an ounce of hope or reprieve in sight.  The problems are usually one of two that cause people to give up:  affairs or money, and honestly in many relationships, by the time they get to the whole divorce thing, there are both problems present.  So what can you do if you don’t want to end up like Jon & Kate.  The answer is really a simple one.  Realize that you have made a commitment, not only to that other person, but to any children that are in the relationship.

Sure, I am not completely unrealistic and I do realize that their are circumstances in which divorce is a necessary solution, however in most cases, it is just a way to make the pain stop.  Many people think that getting rid of the other person will help ease their pain, but in most cases a divorce just brings a new set of problems, circumstances and worries along with it.  Couples seem to fail to realize that no matter what you do, if you have children involved, then you are tied to each other forever.  You will need to work through your marriage problems, whether you choose to stay married or to part ways, because you will still be parenting your children together.

Happiness comes from within, and finding ways to effectively deal with each other is what a marriage is truly all about, and marriage problems are just questions waiting for answers and hurdles waiting to be jumped.  Keep in mind that this mess you made is your own, and the clean up will need to be done either way, because like it or not you are emotionally tied to this other person, and because of that the problems won’t spontaneously resolve, whether you choose to stay together or split up.

Being married is a delicate balance of giving and taking.  A long dance, in which part of the time you will lead, and other times when you are more tired, you will follow.  Sometimes if you are really tired, the other person may be carrying you through the dance.  It is not about who does what, about the glory of being the leader, or about apologizing when you are the one following.  Occasionally and inevitably you will step on a few toes, bump into a few people, and sometimes be off beat and without rhythm.  The one thing that you know however is that no matter how bad you look, how tired you are, or how much you want to just go over and take a seat, that there is another person there dancing along with you, following your every move and leading you through those moments when you are just about to give up.

Marriage is just that, a long dance, that is not always gratifying, is not always wonderful, and is sometimes just down right difficult.  The wonderful thing about it all, is that no matter what there is someone who is right there by your side.  As long as you are both traveling together and working to stay on the dance floor, then no matter what you will not go wrong.  Remember that when you are given the choice to sit it out or dance…I hope you dance…

Men need to feel that they are providing for their families and that they are the head.  They need to be the strong one, the protector and the money maker.  Women’s lib has created a lot of really strong and independent women, and don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with that.  You need to remember that while in a relationship, it is okay to allow him to take the lead.  Doing this can help to make him feel like the man.  This is an important role that a wife must play.  It is okay to let him take over sometimes, even in areas that you really could handle on your own.  It is okay to ask for his help, opinion or advise, even though you may feel that you already can handle this situation alone.

Being a strong woman, does not mean that you have to do everything or take on and shoulder every responsibility without help.  Being a good supportive partner to your husband may mean allowing him to take over and you need to know where and when to back down.  Allowing your husband to be the man of the family and to shoulder his share of the responsibilities will help you to nurture him and his feelings and manhood, while helping to improve his own self esteem and self worth.  Try it out.  You will definitely see the difference in him when you back down and let him take charge.  He will seem like a new man and your marriage seem like a new marriage.

Doing special things for your spouse can really help you to keep your marriage thriving.  It is very easy to become distracted with the day to day and to forget to focus that special attention on the one you love.  It is very easy to become comfortable in your marriage and to forget to do those extra special things that you did when you were dating and this can lead to marriage problems.

Many couples reach a point in their relationship where things seem to have become stale, and for some couples they begin to look outside of their relationship for the passion they once had, but this is a big mistake.  No matter who you are with, there will be times when you need to put forth the effort to renew and regenerate the relationship.  A good relationship does not just “happen” to those who are “lucky”, it takes a solid commitment to work toward improving your relationship each and every day.  Understanding this can help you take a new look at some things that you could be doing to let your spouse know just how important they are to you.

Consider cooking a surprise romantic dinner, or creating a romantic weekend.  Whether that means staying in, or going out on the town, it doesn’t matter as long as it is a setting that suits you and your spouse.  Writing love notes, sending flowers, buying little gifts, and giving an extra long kiss or hug can make all the difference in solving your marriage problems.

The one thing to keep in mind is to take time out everyday to bond with each other and to let the other person know that you care.  Making your husband realize that he is the most important person in your life, truly counts the most in making your marriage one that lasts a lifetime.

Meeting and connecting with someone usually stems from some type of physical attraction.  It can be difficult to know why or how humans connect, however we know that even before we meet there is something that draws us to some people and yet repels us from others.  Keeping the connection with your spouse is what makes a marriage succeed, while others suffer from marriage problems, and still others have failing marriages everyday.  Understanding our different connections with our spouse, helps us to understand the areas of strength and weakness within our own marriages.

THE PHYSICAL CONNECTION

Connecting with your spouse on a physical level, is an important part of the relationship and one that should be nutured.  Not just referring to the act of love making, but referring to all physical interactions, whether it be hugging, cuddling, hand holding, kissing, or even just a touch.  Most women think that men are the only one’s in need of the physical connection in a marriage, but this is not truly the case.  Women who are in good, connected relationships also have experienced the rewards of having a very rewarding physical relationship with their spouse.  Finding this type of rewarding physical relationship, takes full communication with your spouse, as well as a good connection on the other levels as well.  Exploring fantasies openly and honestly, will help you attain a relationship with your spouse that goes beyond the physical.

THE EMOTIONAL CONNECTION

Not only understanding and empathizing with your spouse, this connection goes beyond that.  It is a complete understanding of the person that you are with and the things that make them tick.  Having a full understanding of how things are affecting your spouse and what they find upsetting, can help both them and you find a new level of compassion.  Again, communication and getting to know your spouse intimately are the true keys to getting a solid emotional connection.  Exploring the past, where their feelings and insecurities lie, can help you to understand the whole person that you are loving.

THE SPIRITUAL CONNECTION

This connection is a little bit harder to attain on your own, however it can be done.  Working together on spirituality is a good way to connect with each other.  Consider studying religion or other forms of spiritual connection together, and you will reap the rewards of a fulfilling marital relationship.

Connecting and staying connected requires above all else excellent communication, so be sure that if you aren’t communicating effectively you are probably not making the most of your marriage.  Consider taking a communication class together or a relationship building class to have a better understanding of each other and the methods that you each use to communicate with each other.  This can not only help you to better understand spouse, but yourself as well.

Unlike men, many women don’t really communicate well about sex.  Sure we try to, but for most women, there is a stigma, something that tells us that it is something dirty and shouldn’t be discussed outside the bedroom.  If you find yourself being one of those women who wants to branch out but is not really sure how to, this information is for you.

First, don’t be afraid to find out more information about sex.  This can be done through magazines, books or even online.  There are step by step directions on how to do different things to please your man and yourself, so don’t be afraid to explore those different options.

Sometimes it can be difficult to keep your sex life new and fresh, but sometimes just changing things like the room you are having sex in or the position can add a little new life to your marriage.  Talk to each other, communication is truly the key and don’t be afraid to tell your husband about your desires or new things that you would like to try.  Opening up is the key to a healthy sex life.

Here are some suggestions of different things that you can do to spice things up a little:

1.  Role Play, this can be done with or without costumes.

2.  Talk Dirty, talking to each other about your deepest desires can help lend itself to the fantasy.

3.  Be Clean and wear something new and sexy, this can really turn your husband on.  Remember men tend to be very visual, so be sure to let him see you in it.

4.  Hold off on having intercourse.  Many times resisting the intercourse will let the excitement, anticipation and desires build.  You can hold off for just a little while or for a week or taunting and teasing each other.  This allows the sexual tension to really mount.

5.  If you are comfortable you can take sex pictures.  These visuals can really help to get him in the mood.

The important thing to remember is that sex can be serious, or it can be playful, but the most important thing is to work to satisfy your partner.  Doing this, you will find, will give you more stimulation from the act of intercourse.

Many times when we are not in the mood, we tend to blame it on being too busy, on our schedules, on our husbands, and so forth.  But now it is time to ask yourself, what does your bedroom look like? Recently, I realized that since we moved into our house, I have redone each of the kids rooms two times, and have paid little to no attention at all the fixing up my own room.  As parents, sometimes we spend a little too much time putting our children’s needs above our own.  I walked into my own room and realized that this was not a romantic setting, but a place to store things, with incidentally a bed in the room.  I realized that it was time to focus a little more on making our bedroom a romantic place to be and not just a storage area, and so that it been my focus, replacing furnishings, painting walls, replacing the window dressings for a whole new look.  I even made sure to set up some permanent romance in the room.  A nice soft color, some lights on dimmers, and candles on the night stand, with matches in the drawers.  I made sure to pick up some nice new art for the walls, and even put a few romantic CD’s next to the stereo.  The room has been magically transformed, and with very little effort.  I got a nice new comforter and new sheets for the bed, and it is incredible how different this room now looks.

Not only does it look really nice, but it sets a tone and a mood for the time that we spend in the room.  I also like having all the little romantic extras around the room, so you can simply light some candles or turn on some music, without having to plan ahead to create a romantic mood.  It has really transformed the way I feel when I am in the room, the soothing atmosphere has created an ambiance for love, and that is really important.

Make sure that you have your bedroom set a tone and you will see it can truly transform the way you feel when you are in there.  Remember it is not just a place to crash, but a place for romance and so much more.  Transforming your bedroom, can actually transform your marriage.