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Posted In: Women's Marriage Concerns by lighthisfire

Ask and You Shall Receive

Many years ago, as I looked for ways to improve my own marriage, I began to wonder why some couples stay together and others call it quits. I decided to research this subject seriously. During the course of my research, I interviewed couples who had been married a minimum of ten years and as many as fifty-five years.

Armed with new information and a new outlook, I began to apply what I had learned to my own life and to share it with other women. Unsure if what I had to say would make a difference in anyone else’s life, I rented a small office on a month-to-month basis, furnished it classroom style, and in May 1981, I held the first formal class of “Light His Fire.”

Since that first women’s class twenty-seven years ago, I have taught tens of thousands of women how to put fun, passion, excitement and communication in their marriages. I am sure that many of you reading this are thinking, “Why is it always the woman’s responsibility to improve the marriage?” Well don’t worry; I’ve created an equally wonderful program for men called, “light Her Fire.”

Men are accustomed to operating out of the logical side of their brain. It is the women who buy the romantic novels and read the love stories. When I read a romantic novel, my husband is only interested in the “good parts,” and when it comes to movies, he’d much rather see an action-packed film than a mushy love story.

Women’s magazines have endless advice on how to be romantic, sexy and appealing; but, tell me, when was the last time you saw your husband reading an article on how to be more romantic or how to fulfill your needs?

Chances are your husband didn’t learn anything about romance or fulfilling your needs from his parents, either. So, if he doesn’t read about it, see it on the screen, or grow up in an atmosphere where romance is prevalent, how is going to learn unless you teach him?

Men Do Not Have ESP

What I found out was that a common attitude among women is that their men should somehow magically know what it is they want or need. They believe if they have to tell a man what makes them happy, it diminishes them in some way. Women that listen to my “Light His Fire” program learn to replace that mistaken belief with a more accurate viewpoint. The only way to get what you want is to ask for it! Men are not mind readers and they don’t have ESP. They have to be told what it is you need to make you happy. So, here is something I want you to remember, “Ask and you shall receive!”

Because I have conducted thousands of workshops and lectures all over the world and am always willing to share my life with you, I never run out of stories or examples to give you. It is my hope that you will see yourself in some of these stories and learn from other women’s mistakes as well as my own.

Joan was exhausted one particular Friday and really wanted some time alone with her husband, Bill. When her husband called that afternoon, instead of Joan suggesting that they get a baby sitter for the evening and go to dinner alone, she asked, “Would you like to go out with just me or should we make it a family dinner?”

Unfortunately, Bill made the wrong choice and replied, “Let’s bring the kids. That would be nice.”

Joan was angry all day, and by the time they got to the restaurant that evening, her husband had asked her what was wrong at least half a dozen times. Her reply was always “Nothing.” She remained silent all through dinner as the kids and their dad talked.

Later that evening, as Joan was getting ready for bed, she shouted at her husband, “You can’t really love me if you never want to be alone with me!”

Shocked, Bill asked, “What are you talking about?”

Joan finally explained that she needed time alone with him and that she hadn’t wanted the children to accompany them that evening.

Bill responded by saying that he too would have preferred to be alone with her, but he was afraid she would think that he was selfish, so he included the children. Bill wasn’t a mind reader. Joan needed to tell him exactly what she wanted. How different that evening could have been!

Do you have a story that you would like to share with our readers? When was the last time you expected your husband or boyfriend to have ESP? Understanding now that he doesn’t, how could you have handled your situation differently?

Mixed Messages

Another mistake women tend to make is to send mixed messages. They say one thing and mean another. For example, on my third anniversary, my husband and I were strapped for money. A few weeks before, I said, “Let’s not get each other anything for this anniversary.” He of course believed that I meant what I had said. Then the day of our anniversary arrived and I presented him with a gift. He stood there dumbfounded and had nothing for me! Why? Because I had asked for nothing! Tears started flowing and I said, “How could you have believed me?”

He responded, “But you said we shouldn’t get each other anything!”

I should have said what I really meant: “Since we don’t have a lot of money, let’s just get each other a small token of our love. It doesn’t have to be expensive. It really means a lot to me to get a card and something that I know is from your heart.”

Lots of women send mixed messages. Sandra told be about the time she had to have some minor surgery in an out patient facility. Her husband offered to take the day off from work to take her and pick her up. Sandra insisted that it was “no big deal” and her girlfriend could do that more easily.

Well, Sandra told me, “It was a big deal. When I woke up, I felt awful, I was lonely, and I wanted my husband there to hold my hand.”

That night, Sandra attacked him, saying angrily, “You can’t imagine how terrible I felt when the nurse asked me if there was a family member waiting for me. You should have known I didn’t really want to be there alone. I certainly wouldn’t have done that to you.”

Needless to say, Sandra’s husband was a very confused man at this point.

My favorite story comes from Patty, who learned not to send mixed messages the hard way. A few years ago, Patty’s in-laws were scheduled to visit for a week. As luck would have it, her husband, Chris, had scheduled a weekend fishing trip just prior to the Monday his parents were to arrive.

Chris volunteered to cancel his trip, but Patty told him she wouldn’t think of it, assuring him that she could handle the housework and shopping on her own. As the weekend wore on, however, Patty wore out. By Sunday afternoon she was tired, angry, and lonely. She hated her in-laws, she hated her husband, and she hated her house.

Late Sunday afternoon Patty slipped on the garage stairs as she carried out the last load of trash, and she was tired and hurting when Chris arrived home, late Sunday night, to find Patty, her leg in a cast, crying her eyes out.

“I don’t understand it, Patty,” he said, shaking his head. “Why did you tell me to go if you knew you were going to have so much to do and you really needed me to help?”

Like many women, Patty thought her husband should have known what she wanted without telling him. She told me, “It seemed pretty obvious to me that he should have stayed home to help. After all, it was his parents who were coming, and he knew there was a lot to do!”

So, take this advice from me, from Patty, and all the other women who have learned the hard way. Men can’t read your mind. They don’t have ESP! A man won’t have the foggiest idea what you want, unless you tell him.

Do you remember a time when you said one thing and really meant another? Sharing your story will prevent other women from making the same mistake.

What Do You Want From Me?

Most men feel completely helpless when a woman shows extreme emotion. They just don’t know how to deal with it. So when your mate asks you in frustration, “What do you want from me?” you need to postpone your answer to a time when he really going to listen. Timing is very important when you are talking about your wants, needs, or feelings.

John, a student in my men’s class, volunteered that he felt fortunate to know what his wife wanted when she was upset, because when they first got married, she told him that if she was ever depressed or angry to put her in the car and take her to the beach. Because she had taken the time to explain what she needed when they were both calm and receptive, whenever a crisis occurred or something happened that they really needed to talk over, John knew to take her to the beach, which seemed to soothe her nerves and always calmed her down.

As simple as this may sound, most couples have no idea what to do for each other in times of stress or crisis, or in the face of a tragic event. Knowing that everyone is different, you need to tell your mate in a loving way what’s best for you and to discuss what is best for him.

Some women want to be left alone when they are upset, some want their husbands to hold them, and others want to be asked, “What can I do to help? For me personally, the most wonderful words I can hear when I’m in a “no cope” situation are, “Is there anything I can do to help?” and my husband knows it. I don’t know why, but it always calms me down when I can think rationally of some tangible thing he can do to help me.

To prove that everyone is different, can you tell me what it is you want from your husband when you are frustrated, hurt, disappointed or angry?

Wish List

A wonderful way to bring greater intimacy to your relationship If you tell your spouse what you need at a time when you aren’t upset, he’ll store the information away, and when the time comes he’ll remember it. So the next time you are together, say, “Honey, whenever I start to cry, it would mean so much to me if you were to put your arms around me and just hold me.” Or, “The next time I get mad, just give me fifteen minutes to blow off steam and then we can talk about it when I calm down.” I believe each of us knows what it is that we need. We just need to take the time to think about it and learn to express it.

To prove that everyone is different, can you tell and to get your needs met is for each of you to make a wish list and then share it with each other. On it put down anything your husband can give you that would bring you more joy and let him do the same. For example, many years ago I told my husband I wanted a surprise. Because he is very logical, he wanted to know what kind of surprise I had in mine. I replied, “It wouldn’t be much of a surprise if I told you. I don’t care. Anything that you plan without me and that I don’t know about would qualify.”

I told him he had thirty years to work on it, but he had to promise that before I died he’d plan a surprise. One night about six months later, I came home and found his mother sitting in our living room. Totally surprised, I exclaimed, “Gee, how did you get here?

My husband jumped out of his hiding place and yelled, “It’s your surprise!” He had called his mother to baby-sit, bought me the most beautiful nightgown I had ever seen (it’s still my favorite), packed it in an overnight case, made dinner reservations at a beautiful restaurant, and made arrangements for us to spend the night at a hotel.

He had never done anything like this for me before, and I had a wonderful time letting him take care of everything. Usually it was up to me to find the baby-sitter and make the reservations. This was certainly a welcome change.

I also asked him to meet me for lunch once in a while. It made me feel important to know that I was on his calendar.

In addition, I requested that he send me flowers once in a while. “But they are so expensive,” he said, “and then they just die.”

I told him that flowers represented romance and were not something I would buy for myself. To me, flowers meant “I’m thinking of you.” I told him I don’t want them all the time, just when we’d had a beautiful evening the night before or when he was especially looking forward to being with me. A couple of weeks after my request he brought home a beautiful bouquet of flowers – the first of many.

I used to envy my neighbor, because whenever she had us over for dinner, I noticed that her husband would be the first to thank her for all her time and trouble, ranting and raving about how delicious the food was. The best I could get from my husband when I cooked a big dinner was, “Its’ okay, food is food. If you want to make it again, go ahead.” How depressing! I decided to ask for a thank you on my wish list.

I told my husband I didn’t expect thanks when I threw something together, but when I spent hours in the kitchen preparing a meal I really needed to hear that he and the children appreciated it. We always teach our children to thank others for a meal – why shouldn’t mothers get the same courtesy?

The next evening at dinner, I heard him whisper to the children, “Okay, when I count to three, say, ‘Thank you, Mommy. That was delicious.’” And then in unison they all shouted, “Thank you, Mommy. That was delicious!” I kissed each of the children and thanked them for the compliment. I also kissed my husband and thanked him for remembering my feelings. Remember, if you don’t reinforce a new behavior, you’ll never see the new behavior again. Even though at the time it was phony and contrived, it quickly became completely automatic for my children and my husband to thank me whenever I would prepare a nice dinner.

I hope you are beginning to see that my husband brings home flowers, takes me on surprise getaways, and meets me for lunch because I asked for it. I didn’t just happen to get a wonderful man who catered to my every need. I have requested everything! There is no need to envy me. What worked for me will work for you too.

Put everything it is you want in writing, whether it’s a picnic once a month, going to the movies every Sunday night, or a big kiss hello every night. No matter what your wishes are, you must be able to let your know and let him do the same.

I’d really like you to do this assignment and then write to me and let me know how your husband responded and if any of your wishes have come true.

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