Northwestern University Survey Pinpoints Why Relationships Go South After Marriage
You have a feeling that when you do get married, you will have the best mate in the world to support you. The big day arrives and everything goes well. It feels like a fairy tale.
Several years go by when you start to realize that you are in a rut. You sense something is off. You can’t understand why your relationship has changed. The affection, attention and fun seem to have waned and you long for the way it used to be.
Your spouse comes home, always in a bad mood, and you find yourself frequently arguing about something. There’s no specific reason why you stopped feeling the way you did at first.
You think back to all the things you’ve done over the years, trying to pinpoint a specific moment when things shifted in your relationship. You can’t recall it. It feels like it just happened overnight, like your world is slipping away and every day you’re waking up and reliving yesterday.
Fortunately, Northwestern University in Chicago did a study of relationship behavior and discovered crucial details about relationship behaviors which shed light on why things change so drastically after couples marry.
How successful your relationship is?
The answer of how successful your relationship is, lies in an important but critical question. “Will the partner who supports your hopes and aspirations while you are dating, live up to the same expectations in marriage?”
The answer to this question can the difference between a successful marriage and one that ends in divorce. Obviously, it’s important that your spouse supports you in all your important endeavors, but do they uphold the commitments that they promised before the two of you got married?
Married couples need support from their partners in the form of upheld obligations. When this requirement is not met, doubt can creep in and your feelings may not be as strong as they were at the start of your marriage.
Keep your promises to build a better relationship
Once promises start to be broken—even the tiniest ones, like saying you’ll pick up toothpaste on the way home and then forgetting—it starts to push you and your spouse away from each other. The farther you’re pushed apart, the less likely you are to fulfill your obligations to each other, and the more your relationship comes under fire.
Let me ask you a question: In what ways do you feel supported by your spouse? Conversely, how do you feel he or she could better support you? Addressing the answers to these questions could be the difference between both of you being happy together forever or sliding into mediocrity or even worse, a separation or a divorce.
After you answer these two questions, you need to talk to your spouse. Ask him or her the same questions. Does they have the same expectations of marital obligations?
Let’s assume he or she doesn’t. Perhaps you expect them to be loving, caring, and to simply be present in the moment with you. However, if they’re coming home late, constantly working when they are home, or ignoring you or not willing to talk to you, then what?
Can you force them into the role you want them to fit into? Well, you can try, you can demand them to change their ways or you can threaten them to change or else.
Think that’ll work? Think again. It won’t. Acting that way will only make things worse. What you need to do is for both of you sit down and talk to each other about how to stop a divorce from being the next option in the marriage.
Talking calmly together is the first step
The reason things are falling apart is because you may be losing ground when it comes to what your role within your relationship is. In the beginning, you had hopes, dreams and aspirations for what married life would be like.
But somewhere along the way, you both lost sight of those expectations. What’s worse, you lost sight of the fact that your spouse expects things from you, too.
Many couples find that, a few years into marriage, they feel as though they’ve sacrificed everything for something they now feel they don’t even want. That’s the wrong way to look at the situation. What’s really going on is that these couples are out of touch with what makes each other happy.
Why you attracted to your spouse?
Think about it this way: You were attracted to your spouse because he or she made you feel happy when you were both together. You both had fun together. You both laughed and joked around with each other.
You both respected each other’s abilities and felt lucky to have found each other. You can rekindle all of those feeling again with your spouse. They are not lost. They just are inside of both of you wanting to come up and out but you don’t know how to release them to the surface again.
It really is simple. If you are asking yourself, how to stop a divorce from occurring, take action today by downloading either the Light His Fire program for woman or the Light Her Fire program for men or get both of them if you are both ready for changing your lives for the better.
We have separate programs because, Dr. Ellen figured out a long time ago that men and woman ARE DIFFERENT and see things differently from one another. It is also true that, very often, only one person of the couple is ready to work on their marriage and the other one isn’t. That is o.k.
You can get great results if just one person commits themselves to making the changes they need to make. It’s best if you are both doing your own programs together but trying to convince one party to listen when they are not ready, JUST WON’T WORK and will actually make things worse if you try and force them.
Just click on the link and check it out. In no time at all, you can create a more loving, committed scenario in your relationship. Your spouse will start to feel loved and cared for in the marriage, and you will begin to see that the mate that you married is still the same person that you fell in love with in the beginning.
By Dr. Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D
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