I have yet to meet a man who feels guilty because he isn’t a super father, a super husband, highly successful at earning a living, all at the same time. It’s much more typical for men to have realistic expectations of themselves than it is for them to stress out trying to be perfect in several roles at once. One father I know took custody of his two children when he and his wife divorced. As soon as arrangements had been completed and he was finally the full-time caretaker of his children, he met with his boss.

“Now that I’m a single father,” he said, “my children come first. I may be late for work, I may take long lunch hours, I may leave early, and sometimes I may not come in at all,” he said. “It just depends on what my children need on any given day.”

Even if they were in a position to do it, how many women do you know who could take that stand at work without feeling extremely guilty?

While most men I’ve spoken to may feel there’s room for improvement in one or more of these areas, they certainly aren’t plagued by guilt. Leigh said, Sure, I feel bad sometimes about the long hours I work, But I provide a good living and a comfortable lifestyle for my family. Could I be a better father? Absolutely, but then my son wouldn’t have the material rewards of my labor, such as owning his own car and having his college expenses paid.”

Rocky said, “I think I’m a pretty good father. I certainly feel I’m involved in my son’s activities. At times I wish that I earned more money, but we have enough to get by, and we enjoy doing things as a family.”

Greg admits that there’s room for improvement in the romance department. “I may not be a Don Juan,” he says, “but I love my wife and kids a great deal. I go out there and work hard every day to earn a living because I want them to have the best that life has to offer.”

Sorry ladies, but on the subject of guilt, most men have a healthier outlook and can teach us a great deal.

The majority of men I have interviewed, whether married or single, agreed that they felt captivated by that special woman who was able to make them feel stronger, more capable, more intelligent, sexier, or more knowledgeable than they had felt about themselves before these women came into their lives.

For example, Michael, who was quiet and withdrawn, told me he had always been a loner. In a group situation, he always listened intently but never felt confident about giving his opinion. When he met Melinda, he recalled the feelings he had about himself after a few dates.

“She always commented that she loved my easygoing nature,” he said. “Melinda was very high strung and she told me she always felt calmer and more peaceful when she was with me. For the first time in my life, I started feeling good about my personality.”

A man named Patrick related how different he felt with his ex-wife and his current girlfriend.

“I have a very high sex drive, I guess. With my ex-wife, I always felt like I was a sex maniac. She’d complain how abnormal I was and continually tell me to take a cold shower, go for a walk, or go to the gym to work off my urges.”

“My girlfriend, Donna, on the other hand, makes me feel wanted. She tells me how affectionate and passionate I am, and how she loves that about me.”

He ended by saying, “Being with a woman who was incompatible had me beginning to doubt myself. It’s so good to feel like I’m normal.”

Hank, a stockbroker who considers himself an expert in the field, remembers that every time he’d go out on a date, he’d try to impress the woman he was with, with his knowledge. “I’d even give them free financial advice,” he said.

It wasn’t until Marilyn came into my life that I felt like a genius,” he continued. “She was amazed at how much I knew about different companies. She’d listen for hours as I explained the transactions of the day. Marilyn made me feel so intelligent because she appreciated who I was.”

Sam is a traveling salesman. “I’m on the road at least four days a week and my old girlfriend complained, whined, and argued about how much I was gone. I married my wife Suzie, because she felt my job was so exciting and I was such an interesting man, traveling to all those places. Suzie was, and still is, eager for me to return home and tell her, in detail, about my experiences that week. She makes me feel like I’m the most adventurous man alive.”

Ken stated that he never felt he was particularly good-looking until Karen came into his life. “I’ve never been a ‘ladies man,’ and had almost no dates in high school,” he said. “Karen and I have been married twenty-seven years, and I still feel like I’m the best-looking man alive when I am with her. Karen always tells me how handsome I am and what a great body I have.

“Who am I to argue with someone as wonderful as my wife, who still sees me as her ‘Adonis’?” he asked, as he blushed and rolled his eyes.

Patrick is a bodybuilder who met his wife at the gym where he used to work out. “I can still remember the day we met. Ann was working out on a machine, next to me. She turned to me and said, ‘How do you make that look so easy? I’m struggling, and you make it look like it’s a piece of cake.’”

“How could I not get to know this woman?” he continued. “After six years of marriage, she still gloats at my muscles. Every time we see a muscular guy on the beach, Ann turns to me and whispers, ‘You’re in better shape than he is.’ I guess when it comes right down to it, I feel sexy when I’m with her. She even told our three-year-old daughter how lucky she is to have a daddy in such great shape,” Patrick concluded proudly.

Are you beginning to get the picture? Men fall in love because of the way they feel about themselves when they are with you. One of the reasons my husband fell in love with me was because I always laughed at his jokes. He felt great around me because I thought he was so funny. (By the way, I still laugh at his jokes.) Usually, when a man no longer feels good about himself when he is with you, he finds another woman. That’s what an affair is all about. It’s not that he’s in love with the other woman – it’s that he’s in love with the way he feels about himself when he’s with the other woman. So, if you want to recapture your love affair with your husband or mate, you have to make him feel good about himself. Otherwise, the best you can hope for is to trade him for a new man who has different strengths and different weaknesses.

Suppose you met a man at work who seems to be everything your husband is not. For example, he’s sensitive and caring, but because he is, he has many friends who call constantly to ask for advice or help. Or perhaps he has a twelve-year-old daughter with whom he spends too much time, or he has an ill mother who demands too much of his energy and money. You may have fallen in love with him because he is verbal and your husband is not. But because he is verbal, he always monopolizes the conversation and you can hardly get a word in, and he is unaware of your feelings because he is so wrapped up in himself. Or, finally you meet a man who earns a wonderful living, but because he is successful, he’s gone a great deal of the time. So now you feel lonely, though you didn’t before when you were with a man who came home every evening at six. Maybe you’ve found the most romantic man alive – a true Casanova. The problem is that he loves all women and his flirting arouses tremendous jealousy in you. I know one thing for sure – the longer you know any of these men, the more annoying traits you will see – unless you learn to change your attitude instead of your man.

Your Hero Forever

For every action there is a reaction. For every trait there is a response to that trait. You must learn to react in a positive way and stop being judgmental. When you concentrate on a man’s strengths instead of his weaknesses, you get more positive behavior.

Mort Sahl, a humorist, once said, “Women always marry a man and hope that he’ll change. Men always marry a woman and hope they never change.”

Women seem to go into a relationship saying, “I know there are a lot of things about him that I don’t like, but wait until I get through with him. You won’t even recognize him.”

Men, on the other hand, say, “When I’m with this woman I feel like a king. It’s wonderful. I hope she never changes. I always want to feel like this.” That, by the way, is why he wants to marry this woman. He wants to feel like her hero for the rest of his life.

Once you begin to focus on the things you consider weaknesses and try to change him, the love he had for you had in the beginning starts to die. So, think about how your husband feels when he’s with you? Why not tell him tonight how glad you are that you married him and how lucky you are to have him in your life? Then come back to this site and let us all know what your husband’s reaction was.

When a couple stands at the altar and vows to love each other, “Till death do us part,” they assume they will be intimately connected forever. The kiss at the end of the ceremony symbolizes that connection. It is the most intimate connection possible between two people, even more intimate than sexual intercourse. A prostitute will tell you that they can have sex with her customers, but cannot kiss them.

The kiss is the core of a relationship – a barometer of how things are going. Most couples aren’t even aware when their relationship begins to change. What was once a passionate relationship has become a friendship over time. One day they awake to the realization, “We’re roommates and no longer lovers.” So, keep reading! You can keep your friend and get your lover back too.

When you give someone a peck on the cheek, that says, “I love you,” but a 10 second kiss says, “I’m still in love with you!”

For years I’ve asked women whether they’ve ever felt lonely, desolate, and empty minutes after their husband has arrived home. Most women have said, “yes.” If you have this feeling too, I will give you a foolproof method to eliminate this particular problem.

Of all the homework assignments I give, the 10 second kiss has the most immediate and dramatic effect. In the morning it sets the tone for the rest of the day, in the evening it sets the mood for the rest of the night. It’s a passionate kiss that makes you feel warm, close and connected.

I want you to grab your mate tonight and plant a 10 second kiss on him. When you hear, “What’s gotten into you?” respond with, “From now on we are not going to be roommates anymore. We are going back to being lovers!

Then tell your mate that you would like to try an experiment. For the next week every time you haven’t seen each other for an extended period of time (usually the work day), you are to give each other a ten-second kiss. Tell him it doesn’t matter how awful his or your day has been. You are to greet each other with a ten-second kiss. You can bring out a stopwatch or use the microwave timer to get him accustomed to the length of this kiss. Have some fun with this.

I’m sure you’re thinking, “That’s not that long!” Believe me, it’s an incredibly long period of time.

Most couples are used to greeting each other with a verbal response like, “Hi, I’m home” or “Anyone here?” There is no physical response, which is the reason those isolated feelings are there. Once you begin this new way of relating to each other, feelings of closeness and warmth will replace those isolated feelings. After you connect with the kiss, then you can then go about your normal activities such as preparing dinner, opening the mail, spending time with your children, or making necessary phone calls. The difference is that you’ll feel connected to each other.

I believe that a woman can have it all and do it all. I just don’t believe that we can have it all and do it all, all at the same time. The picture we have of the perfect wife, the perfect mother, and the perfect career woman is pure fiction and does not exist anywhere but in our imaginations.

In the many years I’ve been teaching and lecturing, I’ve met thousands of women, but I’ve never met one who had a successful career, was a terrific mother, and had a wonderful marriage all at the same time. While I do believe you can experience success in all of these areas, I don’t believe it is possible to experience success in all these three areas simultaneously. I believe that anyone who says she can is a liar.

To live life successfully, you must make choices. The happiest, most contented women I know are the ones who have examined themselves, their situation, and their needs and decided what their priorities are. Women who blindly follow the paths their mothers took, or succumb to the dictates of society and their peers, may be making decisions that are not right for them. Just because your mother stayed home and was a full-time mom doesn’t mean you should. On the other hand, just because your college roommate is now a corporate executive and you’re a stay-at-home mom doesn’t mean you’re a failure. The true measure of success in anything is the sense of happiness and fulfillment it brings you.

Some women choose to make their career their first priority. Erma, a thirty-eight-year-old gynecologist, had two children – an eight-year-old and a six-year-old. She said, “I used to drive myself crazy trying to be the perfect wife, the perfect mother, and the perfect doctor – a goal I finally realized was impossible. After listening to Dr. Ellen’s program, I realized that the happier I was, the happier my husband and children would be. I knew I was most happy when I was helping other women, and I decided that by concentrating on my career, I would be giving my family the best wife and mother possible.”

I received an email from Emily (who was having marriage problems) after she had purchased both Light His Fire and Light Her Fire. She told me, “Being a good mother was my first priority but for the past few years, I’ve been buried by diapers. Having three children all under the age of five has consumed all of my time. It was my husband’s idea that we get both programs and concentrate on each other for a while. We had begun to feel like strangers. Now it’s time to get back being a wife.”

For Alicia, becoming a full-time mother was a priority. “I missed my daughter’s first two birthdays because I was out of town on business,” she said regretfully. “I kept asking myself why I was doing this. Finally, I decided that I want to stay home and be with my daughter for a while. I know I’m lucky to have the choice, and I intend to make the most of it,” she said.

If you are concentrating on a career, you cannot keep your house immaculate and do all the cooking the way your mother did. If you are concentrating on your children, you cannot expect to rise to the top of your profession, and if you concentrate on being a great partner, you’ll have to exclude your children some of the time (especially if you have listened to my program for women.)

If you will just stop trying to be “superwife,” “supersuccess” and “supermom” all at the same time, you’ll feel less guilty and enjoy your life more.

I’ve had your program, Light His Fire for a year now. I decided to look on the internet to see if there was anything new that you had come out with so I typed in “LightHisFire.com” and there you were! What a treat! It looks like it is new so I thought I would add a memorable success story to it.  Needless to say we have no marriage problems.

Living in the Midwest, I get the mid-winter blahs extremely bad, especially being cooped up in the house with 6 kids. I played out one of my favorite fantasies. I planned a beach party! It consisted of a bottle of wine, submarine sandwiches and two new CD’s which neither of us had heard before. One had ocean sounds. I also went out to buy my husband a new pair of swim trunks (something skimpy) but that time of year I couldn’t find anything so I improvised and bought him some BVD bikini briefs. I wrapped them with a little poem that said, “Put these on. We’ve our very own beach in our bedroom on top of the sheets.” It was the nicest thing we’ve done in a long time. It cost about the same as a night out without the expense of a baby-sitter. Our 2 older children thought that it was pretty great that mom and dad were having their own little party in their room that no one else was invited to. All the kids were in bed and were tucked in for the night and I could really enjoy getting to know my husband again without worrying about the kids. (I usually do if we go out.) We actually enjoyed our food too. With 6 kids at the dinner table it’s hard to eat anything, let alone enjoy it. Anyway thank you again.

Hello, I just had to find your email address to let you know how much I learned from and enjoyed your “Light His Fire” program. I absolutely loved it! I even passed it on to my friend. I learned so much. I want to thank you for having the courage and drive to put this program together. I love your work! We have only been married for 6months and started out very, very rocky, even separated for a month. He is now also listening to the “Light Her Fire” program. I love everything your marriage advice and marriage counseling advice. We are doing much better now, thanks to you and I am more ready than ever to give my love to him the way I know how! I will use it all forever. You are great and thanks for also making me laugh on my commute to work! =) Please take care…Karen H