I believe that a woman can have it all and do it all. I just don’t believe that we can have it all and do it all, all at the same time. The picture we have of the perfect wife, the perfect mother, and the perfect career woman is pure fiction and does not exist anywhere but in our imaginations.
In the many years I’ve been teaching and lecturing, I’ve met thousands of women, but I’ve never met one who had a successful career, was a terrific mother, and had a wonderful marriage all at the same time. While I do believe you can experience success in all of these areas, I don’t believe it is possible to experience success in all these three areas simultaneously. I believe that anyone who says she can is a liar.
To live life successfully, you must make choices. The happiest, most contented women I know are the ones who have examined themselves, their situation, and their needs and decided what their priorities are. Women who blindly follow the paths their mothers took, or succumb to the dictates of society and their peers, may be making decisions that are not right for them. Just because your mother stayed home and was a full-time mom doesn’t mean you should. On the other hand, just because your college roommate is now a corporate executive and you’re a stay-at-home mom doesn’t mean you’re a failure. The true measure of success in anything is the sense of happiness and fulfillment it brings you.
Some women choose to make their career their first priority. Erma, a thirty-eight-year-old gynecologist, had two children – an eight-year-old and a six-year-old. She said, “I used to drive myself crazy trying to be the perfect wife, the perfect mother, and the perfect doctor – a goal I finally realized was impossible. After listening to Dr. Ellen’s program, I realized that the happier I was, the happier my husband and children would be. I knew I was most happy when I was helping other women, and I decided that by concentrating on my career, I would be giving my family the best wife and mother possible.”
I received an email from Emily (who was having marriage problems) after she had purchased both Light His Fire and Light Her Fire. She told me, “Being a good mother was my first priority but for the past few years, I’ve been buried by diapers. Having three children all under the age of five has consumed all of my time. It was my husband’s idea that we get both programs and concentrate on each other for a while. We had begun to feel like strangers. Now it’s time to get back being a wife.”
For Alicia, becoming a full-time mother was a priority. “I missed my daughter’s first two birthdays because I was out of town on business,” she said regretfully. “I kept asking myself why I was doing this. Finally, I decided that I want to stay home and be with my daughter for a while. I know I’m lucky to have the choice, and I intend to make the most of it,” she said.
If you are concentrating on a career, you cannot keep your house immaculate and do all the cooking the way your mother did. If you are concentrating on your children, you cannot expect to rise to the top of your profession, and if you concentrate on being a great partner, you’ll have to exclude your children some of the time (especially if you have listened to my program for women.)
If you will just stop trying to be “superwife,” “supersuccess” and “supermom” all at the same time, you’ll feel less guilty and enjoy your life more.
