Most women seem to complain that there is no romance in their marital relationship and over and over again you hear the complaint that my husband is not romantic.

This is true of Sadie’s marriage.  Sadie and her husband Marc have been married for about 3 years and when Sadie goes out to lunch with her friends, she is always complaining that there is no romance left in their marriage, and she guesses that the rest of their lives together will be just boring and routine.  Finally one day, quite honestly a little fed up with Sadie’s complaining, her friend Beth said, “When was the last time you romanced him?, Bought and worn something sexy and new? Set the stage with some romantic music and candles? Massage oils?”.  Sadie thought on this for a few minutes and said honestly, I never thought about it like that.  The last time I was romantic with him was when we were first married.  Now every night, she admitted she comes to bed in her flannel pjs or old night shirt.

Sadie was so busy focusing on what her husband wasn’t doing for her, that she never honestly stopped to think about what she was doing to encourage a romantic atmosphere in her marriage.

This honestly happens quite often in marriage and is a frequent complaint in most marriage counseling sessions.  The spark is gone.  Well, both parties can work together to bring it back.  We can’t become complacent with our spouse, just because we married him, doesn’t mean that we can stop trying to keep him happy and our selves as well.  We must take the time to keep things fresh and exciting.  Believe me if you surprise him a few nights when he gets home from work, he will be ever so anxious to come home and find out if there is a surprise waiting for him.

Yes, although you have probably heard this saying before, it is true of everything in life including marital relationships.  Whenever you speak to a couple that has been together for a long time, they will always tell you their war stories.  You know, stories of the adversities they faced along the way and how they got through them together.  It is one common thread among all couples that have weathered the storms and faced the adversity and come out the other end together.

In life we all face adversity and many couples experience their share of marriage problems.  There will be tough times and it is important that through them you work as a team.  Being a life partner is just that, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, through good and bad, you are there for each other.  It is important to know that you have a relationship that is supportive and loving, even when you personally are falling apart.  This works both ways, so when you look over at your spouse and see them falling apart, that is when they need you to step in, to do everything possible to support them through whatever.  They may not be a pleasure to be around, you may not even like them at that point.  Stress can make people crazy, but believe me if you step in and support, without judgment, without fear, you too will be one of those couples that ride into the sunset together.

The best thing about facing the adversity together is that it builds a solid relationship and proves to both partners that working together then can handle anything.  The closeness that comes from working through life’s issues together is what builds strength, unity, closeness and love.

So when the going gets tough, find ways to stay close, be there for each other, and love each other through it and you will find that your relationship is better and stronger than ever before, and so are the individuals in it.

As women, we often can imagine having sex without love.  We tend to be very emotional in our expression of love, while for men the physical love is what they acknowledge as true love.  They need that physical expression of love in order to feel close with their mate.

Often times, women don’t feel emotionally close with their mate, and therefore, they don’t look forward to encounters of a physical nature.  For men, they don’t feel close to their spouse because they are not getting the physical love they need, so therefore they shut down emotionally.  This is the cause for many marriage problems, and lack of sex is one of the main things that men tend to complain about in marriage counseling.  If you think about it though, what the man is really saying is that he doesn’t feel loved, because in his mind without intercourse, there is no love.

Breaking the stalemate, is something that either partner can do.  Speaking as a woman, be seductive and creative and don’t be afraid to give yourself to your husband.  You will find, that even if you are not in the mood, you can create an atmosphere that will put you both in the mood.  Light some candles, draw a bath for two, or just go on a date.  Rekindling the physical love with your spouse will emotionally draw him back in.  Intercourse is an important part of a marital relationship and abstinence will only create more tensions in a marriage that is on the rocks.

You will find that if you start having sex with your husband more often, your communication and emotional relationship will improve.  I am not saying that there still won’t be things that you have to work out, however with a more harmonious home life, you will be better able to deal with the other issues on the table.

Preaching that marriage is really the best place for a sexual relationship, this pastor feels that there has been a negative spin put on sex in our society and that improving your intimacy with your spouse is best done by increasing the amount of sex you are having.  He believes that sexuality is linked to spirituality and therefore by engaging in sex in your marital relationship is what God intended and that there is no better way for two people who are married to come together.  He talks about how the increased intimacy in your personal relationship will improve your family life, and also create greater balance and harmony for you in your own life.

Along this same note, recently I saw a woman on television who gave her husband a birthday gift.  The gift was the promise of sex everyday for a whole year.  She was still doing it, and said that although there were some days where she really wasn’t in the mood and was just going through the motions overall, she felt that it had been bringing them closer together as a couple.  She said that there was much more intimacy and better communication in their relationship now, and that they felt closer than ever.

I know that this is not necessarily the answer for everyone with marriage problems, however it is interesting to see how increasing the frequency with which these couples are having sex, there level of intimacy is going up.  Let’s face it, our marital relationship is our primary relationship, so we must nurture it and help it to thrive.  By doing this we can not only improve our marriage but improve all aspects of our lives.

Sometimes we find it difficult to trust another person with our hearts, this is especially true in a new relationship.  How can we overcome our trust issues to open ourselves up to trusting and loving another human being? Marriage problems having to do with trust issues are extremely common and having difficulties in this area can be the difference between success and failure in a relationship, so it is first very important to identify where these issues are coming from.  You need to first figure out if you are just feeling insecure, or if your spouse is exhibiting some sort of behavior that is helping to foster your distrust.

In either case, you must work to fix these issues because they can be the death of any marriage if they are allowed to linger without being addressed.  I personally had been cheated on in my past, and honestly had cheated in past relationships.  When I entered the relationship with my current husband, I vowed to change my behavior and to never have cheating become an issue.  There have been times in the past that I have worried that he might cheat, but then I realized that putting extra energy into this thought was not serving either of us.  I have vowed to myself to always trust my husband and to believe that he is doing the right thing, until I have a real reason not to.  Running around worrying about where he is and who he is talking to is to say the least a very immature attitude.  In order to have an adult relationship with your spouse, you must believe in your heart that everything will be okay.  You must trust implicitly the fact that your spouse will be true to you, and locking him up and not allowing him to speak to women, will not stop him from cheating if that is what he is going to do.  It is my experience that doing this will just encourage lying and deceit, as your spouse is going to speak to members of the opposite sex, but if he knows it bothers you, then he just may avoid telling you about it.  This can be worse because then you don’t really know what is going on with him.

Encourage open, honest communication with your spouse and allow them to tell you about things that happen.  Feel comfortable enough with yourself and your husband to listen to him and not pass judgment on the situation.  Distrust will eat away at your marriage, so try to address these issues as they arise and you will find that you have a healthier, happier relationship because of it.

Sometimes a marriage has problems, and finding the solution may be simple, however at times the root of a marital problem lies in a person who has not healed the other experiences in their lives.  For instance experiences like abuse, neglect, and distrust can very easily be carried over from one relationship or experience to another.  It may not be anything that your spouse has done but a series of unresolved issues in your life that are causing the disruption in your marriage.

As evolving human beings, we learn and grow from our experiences in life, and this is a good thing.  Sometimes, we have issues that we have not dealt with and we carry them around, waiting over and over again to be hurt and wronged.  If that is what you are looking and waiting for, then that is most likely what you will get.  They call this a self fulfilling prophecy.  In other words, sometimes we are the catalyst for our own misery.  Most people don’t like to hear this, because if they believe their life is really lousy, then they really want to blame everyone else but themselves for the problems they have.  As for me, I always found it a bit refreshing that I was creating my own problems, as it has empowered me to not stay the victim and wallow for too long, realizing that I am the only one who can create solutions to my own problems.

In marriage it is important to acknowledge your areas of weakness, so that you can work to heal them.  For instance, if you distrust your spouse, it may be for good reason, or it may be that every time you have loved before you have had another betray you, and so in the back of your mind you think this is going to happen every time you love another.

Keeping in mind and having an understanding of yourself and the troubles that you have had in the past, can help you to spot your own areas of weakness and make changes in those areas.  Letting your spouse know and understand your own personal issues, will help them to better understand you and your reactions to certain circumstances.  Understanding yourself and your mate is a key to getting your marriage back on track.

Love is a great start and the reason why most couples enter into this commitment, but it truly takes more than love to make a marriage that lasts a lifetime.  More than anything else it takes commitment.  Commitment is the thing that you use to get you through the rough patches.  Sure you can have a great relationship and love your spouse, however there will be times in every person’s heart and mind where they wonder at least to themselves, “What am I doing in this relationship?”.  It is normal to have times where issues arise and somewhat interfere in what could be a happy and wonderful marriage.  The thing that you and your spouse must stay focused on is your marriage vows and the commitment that you have made to each other.  If you can focus on that, most times there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Wasting energy carrying on extra marital affairs, is energy that you could be turning toward your spouse and using it to reignite the old flame instead of lighting a new one.  Acknowledging the vows that you made to one another and the commitment that you share to make your marriage work, is one of the great keys to success in marriage.  It can be hard sometimes, and there are always going to be temptations, but just remember the grass is always greener on the other side.  Dumping your current love to find a new one, may very well land you back in the same place a few years from now, and what then? Do you just go out and find someone new? Best to invest as much energy as you can into fixing the existing relationship.  You will find that it is not as difficult as you think to get your marriage back on track and start building off the love you have for one another.  I may take some work, but you will find that the love is not gone, just covered up by the day to day issues that arise.

When a couple stands at the altar and vows to love each other, “Till death do us part,” they assume they will be intimately connected forever. The kiss at the end of the ceremony symbolizes that connection. It is the most intimate connection possible between two people, even more intimate than sexual intercourse. A prostitute will tell you that they can have sex with her customers, but cannot kiss them.

The kiss is the core of a relationship – a barometer of how things are going. Most couples aren’t even aware when their relationship begins to change. What was once a passionate relationship has become a friendship over time. One day they awake to the realization, “We’re roommates and no longer lovers.” So, keep reading! You can keep your friend and get your lover back too.

When you give someone a peck on the cheek, that says, “I love you,” but a 10 second kiss says, “I’m still in love with you!”

For years I’ve asked women whether they’ve ever felt lonely, desolate, and empty minutes after their husband has arrived home. Most women have said, “yes.” If you have this feeling too, I will give you a foolproof method to eliminate this particular problem.

Of all the homework assignments I give, the 10 second kiss has the most immediate and dramatic effect. In the morning it sets the tone for the rest of the day, in the evening it sets the mood for the rest of the night. It’s a passionate kiss that makes you feel warm, close and connected.

I want you to grab your mate tonight and plant a 10 second kiss on him. When you hear, “What’s gotten into you?” respond with, “From now on we are not going to be roommates anymore. We are going back to being lovers!

Then tell your mate that you would like to try an experiment. For the next week every time you haven’t seen each other for an extended period of time (usually the work day), you are to give each other a ten-second kiss. Tell him it doesn’t matter how awful his or your day has been. You are to greet each other with a ten-second kiss. You can bring out a stopwatch or use the microwave timer to get him accustomed to the length of this kiss. Have some fun with this.

I’m sure you’re thinking, “That’s not that long!” Believe me, it’s an incredibly long period of time.

Most couples are used to greeting each other with a verbal response like, “Hi, I’m home” or “Anyone here?” There is no physical response, which is the reason those isolated feelings are there. Once you begin this new way of relating to each other, feelings of closeness and warmth will replace those isolated feelings. After you connect with the kiss, then you can then go about your normal activities such as preparing dinner, opening the mail, spending time with your children, or making necessary phone calls. The difference is that you’ll feel connected to each other.

Communication is one of the keys to having a successful marriage, the problem is that most women don’t get to the point, and most men don’t want vague messages they prefer step by step instructions.  Some of the most basic of communication techniques can be used in a marriage to break down this barrier.  For instance:

1.  Be an attentive listener.  No one wants to feel that what they are saying is falling on deaf ears.  Keep your eye on the person and don’t interrupt.  Don’t stare off into space, and watch your body positioning.  You want to make sure the person knows that you are trying to listen and that what they are saying is important.

2.  Don’t try to effectively communicate in a moment of anger.  Allow both of you some time to cool off and then revisit the issue when you have your thoughts together and know what you are truly asking for.  Also, stay on topic and only address one issue at a time.  Sometimes bringing in too many topics can cause you to lose track of the real issue.

3.  Paraphrase what they are saying back to them.  Don’t parrot what they are saying as that lacks a genuine quality, try to grasp the meaning of what is being said and then repeat your understanding of what they are looking for.

4.  Be direct.  Don’t try to hint about what you want.  Lay it on the line, and if you need to provide examples.  This will definitely help you to clarify what you want.

Keep in mind that just because men come off tough and don’t express as much emotion as women at certain times, that doesn’t mean that they don’t have feelings and don’t care.  They still need love and attention and to feel appreciated.  All men need these things just like women do, so let your man know that you love him.  It can make all the difference.